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ID by hank1 ID by hank1
This is how I am.

Can't figure out how to change my photo in my Journal so I put it here.

The background:

Got the results of the c-scan and MRI of the brain from my family physician today. Shows evidence of a mini-stroke. That's enough to take with me to the VA neurologist on the 28th. The doc told me to be sure and tell him about my fainting 3 or 4 times every day. Fainting without warning for 10 min. to an hour and a half. And my balance when walking, or just standing, is way off. Doc says to report this too. He was going to give me a heart monitor to wear for one day. It would record, when I faint, what if anything to do with the heart. But he says the neurologist will probably offer this too. The only thing he noticed was I can't follow an object laterally without a kind of "shakiness" (I forget the exact term he used) in the eyes. I do often see double. Haven't had an eye exam in some 5+ years and I can see almost nothing with my current tri-focals. He said to tell all of this to the VA doc because it's all important.

Have forgotten how to paint. Can't remember my colors, how to blend them -- even what brushes I had used. Was asked if I can still draw. I didn't know. Sat down today and tried. I can! See my "Two Pillows" [link].

In my Marine Corps overcoat. I can still wear it. The coat is 43 years old. My darling says it brings back memories of me coming back home from Vietnam.

Amazing!

An aged old man who can still wear his tailored overcoat. Probably near death.

And I hope so....

Why should I tell you anything about me? If you know the Mozart 40, the dark restlessness of it, the macabre drive behind its graceful counterpoint, then you know me. Listen to it and you'll hear the thoughts of the light and shadow of the soul of a man already dead. You share the troubled thoughts of a man in a horrible financial mess, perhaps feeling the end of his life is near and working at prodigious speed, turning out in a few weeks what little he can still do. Listen to the third movement that dies and gives birth to the bitter final movement, the allegro assai, the power and the melancholy glory. [link]

Or Schubert's Sonata in B flat, 1st movement: [link]

Taken by Linda Tracy -- Jan. 22 2010.

UPDATE:

It was a consultation with a neurologist, in the nature of a second opinion. No testing done. She was at the least incompetent if not dishonest. Blamed it on my medication. This is not true for I've twice in past months withdrawn from Baclofen to test it for myself, with the same results -- fainting and the rest of it. She suggested "passing out" and that "fainting" are the same thing. I told her I've passed out only once in my life -- at age 15, after having 5 beers and that I had a warning -- nausea and dizziness. The last time I had a headache was in 1969 after having been thrown through the windshield of my jeep and over the hood onto the side of a cliff. I was med evaced to the hospital ship and, with no anesthesia, given 13 stitches and 6 weeks limited duty. At least interesting that 2 months later I signed a waver to return to Vietnam, knowing I'd be sent right back to Recon and that there's no way I'd survive another year. Now I have headache 24 hrs. a day. I said "I suppose "passing out" and "fainting" have a medical similarity in meaning, but that these refer to concepts that must have specific and different meanings." She said the meanings are the same. And as for my total loss of memory of my skills in painting, she can't account for that. This is a lie if she's a neurologist -- she must have at least a guess. And why do I have to do a Google search for common words I used to know such as "said" when I write "sayd"? She doesn't know. So I left with nothing. I'm replacing Baclofen with Gabapentin today. Even before the first dose I had to keep standing up and walking for 2 hours so as to keep awake.

I don't who set this up but I got a letter in the mail dated 01/21/2010 from the Danville, Il VA at the Radiology Clinic for a CT SCAN on Feb. 9. It doesn't say for what. But I'm trying to stay alive that long. Ayn Rand (or was it Peikoff?) was right. These so-called doctors are just the kind that will be happy to work under Fuhrer O's directives. The best advise I've had is from our private family physician who we've been with since 1987. He suggested a heart monitor for one day that would record what's happening at least in the heart when I faint. I said the VA could supply that, but this VA "doctor" didn't see the need. It's been more than 10 years since Linda and I have been at the VA in Indy. It was clean back then. Now it's old looking. Now it's hard to get a friendly answer as to how to get to the appointment place. And the place is packed. Well I understand that. There's a ton of new patients from the current enemy wars. Oh, of course this "doctor" asked if I smoke. I said "yes, 5 cigarettes a day. I suppose if I came here with a broken arm and as all M.D.'s ask if you smoke, he'd tell me that my smoking is the cause of the broken arm." I was left speechless. She told me that it's true that a broken arm -- if you smoke -- can be cause by your smoking. Linda and I got the hell out of that horror cell. There are many other symptoms she just brushed aside.

I think Linda -- being Linda -- only says "I love you Bob" over and over because she sees the change and won't believe it's happening, so reverts to what she's comfortable with. Me, I know more than anyone that this is a medical problem. The "doctor" did say she doesn't know about PTSD. Well, I do. And this is no symptom -- at least not one I've ever experience -- of PTSD.
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:iconpjs15204:
pjs15204 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2010  Student Photographer
Hey Robert :) I'm really sorry to hear your not feeling better hopefully they will pinpoint the problem so you can be treated properly and get well I am pulling for you sir.

Sincerely
Paul
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:iconhank1:
hank1 Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
How 'ya doing Paul? Your work is looking good.

The problem will be found. Linda's in on it and no one gets past her.

Thanks,

Robert
Reply
:iconpjs15204:
pjs15204 Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2010  Student Photographer
Thanks Robert thats great to hear thanks for stopping by :)
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:iconowensangel10:
owensangel10 Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2010  Professional Artisan Crafter
OK dear one...giving up is not an option..we just won't let you!! You must fight..Just like America...when you rise, you rise! JUST DO IT!!!!
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:iconhank1:
hank1 Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks for caring dear.

You've known me since you were 14?

This photo might look like giving up but not really. Not me. I think you know better.

I'll keep you informed.

Love and remembered kisses from 1964?,

Bob
Reply
:iconowensangel10:
owensangel10 Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2010  Professional Artisan Crafter
How could I ever forget my first love?
Reply
:iconaprilart:
Aprilart Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
I'm so sorry to hear of your recent struggles, Robert. Struggles have seemed to fall upon both of us. My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer last August, had surgery which removed it all, and he is now taking chemo. Keep working with your pencil, Robert, and be positive. Being positive is key to recovery. Do it for your sweet Linda and girls, if for nothing else. I'm cheering you on, my friend!
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:iconhank1:
hank1 Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
You're so thoughtful and kind, dear April. So sorry to hear about your husband. God speed.

Everything in my diminishing powers to my sweet Linda.

Take care, my friend for sure.
Reply
:iconmartinaviegas:
martinaviegas Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2010   Interface Designer
Dear friend, I'm very sad to read this news about you. I hope you'll get better soon... Your art is amazing and I love it.

'If I do recover look for a new artist in me'

Kisses from Tina and Bruno, your friends so far away.
Reply
:iconhank1:
hank1 Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
Oh dear sweet Tina. Thank you so much for caring.

Everyone should see your "John Galt". Can I have permission to post it on my Facebook page? With all credits to you of course.

Kisses from Robert and Linda, your friends so far away.
Reply
:iconmartinaviegas:
martinaviegas Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2010   Interface Designer
Of course you have my permission!
I like you so much. You and your amazing work, your sense of beauty and life. I'm working in another 'John Galt', in art deco style - my favourite. My first John Galt reminds me of all the good things I felt when I finished the book: I remember I was crying, but those tears were of happiness and freedom.

Look to your work, dear friend. Recognize you in all the traces and colors. This is your immortality, dear. One day, I'll meet you. It's a promise. Me and my Bruno, meet you and your Linda. :)
We want to live in the land of the free.

Kisses, dear friend.
And take care of you. Soon, you will paint again.
I'm sure of it.
Reply
:iconmartinaviegas:
martinaviegas Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2010   Interface Designer
And you are handsome in your old and beautiful coat.
Reply
:iconhank1:
hank1 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
You're so pretty and cute Tina.
Reply
:iconmartinaviegas:
martinaviegas Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2010   Interface Designer
:) Thanks, dear friend!
Kisses for you and your beautiful Linda!
Reply
:iconhank1:
hank1 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
Right back at 'ya.

To you and your handsome Bruno,

From me and my Linda. [link]
Reply
:iconmartinaviegas:
martinaviegas Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2010   Interface Designer
I love it! So beautiful... it's really cute.
:)

Thanks, dear friend!
Reply
:icondonion:
DonIon Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2010
Robert, I'm very sorry to hear this news. I pray for the best. Your strength and will to recover are most important - have faith that you will recover. Your drawing could be an important key to your recovery - it's important to reestablish connections in the brain - you are your best therapist...
Time and patience,,, Try and keep your spirits up.
Praying for your complete recovery,
Don
Reply
:iconhank1:
hank1 Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
Don,

Thank you so much.

If I do recover look for a new artist in me.

Robert
Reply
:icondonion:
DonIon Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2010
I'm anxious to follow your progress...

Best of Luck - Keep the Faith.
Reply
:iconj0rosa:
j0rosa Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
You will be fine, Sir :pray: :love:
Reply
:iconhank1:
hank1 Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
Thank you dear Jasmin.
Reply
:iconj0rosa:
j0rosa Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
:hug:
Reply
:icondselene:
dselene Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2010
.I'm so sorry Hank.
I wish you will get better soon. I'm praying.
Reply
:iconhank1:
hank1 Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
I don't know. Been through a lot. But I'm a survivor.

Thank you so much.

Robert
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:iconnnicc:
nnicc Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hi Tracy,
I didn't know you have health problems in this period.
I hope you'll get better soon.
Reply
:iconhank1:
hank1 Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
Getting old is all I hope. Or maybe I just don't care anymore.

Thank you.
Reply
:iconhank1:
hank1 Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
Well I can't paint. But my thinking tool -- the pencil -- still works for me.

Thank you.
Reply
:iconwahay:
wahay Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
I'm rooting for you. So pleased to hear you can still paint.
Reply
:iconhank1:
hank1 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
Thank you. You. You're doing fine.

I can't paint. Can barely draw anymore.
Reply
:iconwahay:
wahay Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks, Robert.

I'm sorry I stuck my foot in my mouth.
Reply
:iconhank1:
hank1 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2010  Professional Traditional Artist
It's OK. I don't see where you are wrong in any way.
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